wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
