Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Every concussion has its silver lining
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Randomize
