im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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