Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
