3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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