final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Still dying that you shit outside
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
