Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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