i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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