We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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