I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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