absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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