when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I pour the whiskey from now on
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
