i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
