So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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