it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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