I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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