dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
