My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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