i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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