He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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