While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm gonna fight the coyote