just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
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This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
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So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE