the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
