Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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