Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
