His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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