seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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