The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
