I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I would fuck him just for his dog
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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