Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
as a side note pls kill me
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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