my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
