Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
