I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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