So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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