the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
