I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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