You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
