omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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