u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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