My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
