Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
