Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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