Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
