My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
