Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
