Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
