he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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