Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
