People in love make me want to vomit
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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