so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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