I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my phone needs a breathalizer
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize