Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
