I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
