My underwear smells like fireworks.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
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The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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